Throne, Altar, Liberty
The Canadian Red Ensign
Friday, May 15, 2020
“Sloppy” Joe and the Values Test
“Sloppy” Joe Baconburger was the owner of a restaurant. It was an
independent eatery called the Celestial Carnivore. As you have
probably deduced it catered to a meat-eating clientele. Barbecue ribs,
steaks grilled to perfection, pork chops, and prime rib – these were
the staples of the supper menu. Its hamburgers, fried chicken and
chili con carne were all popular. The pizza section of the menu had but
a single entry and that was for “Meat Lovers”. The Carnivore was most
famous, however, for a sandwich.
This sandwich was a multi-layered spectacular. Forget the mere
clubhouse or even the triple-decker. This sandwich had separate layers
for roast beef, roast pork, roast turkey, and roast lamb. Each layer
also contained a hearty portion of ham and bacon and slices of various
sorts of cheese. If you wanted, vegetable fillers such as lettuce,
tomato, and cucumbers would also be added, but these were optional. It
was served smothered in chili and gravy. Naysayers called it “the
heart attack waiting to happen” but every day people would come from
near and far to order it.
One day something strange happened. Like any other day, “Sloppy” Joe
arrived at the Carnivore early, pulled into his parking spot, got out of
his car, and headed towards the door. Then he ran into a wall. Or at
least it felt like a wall. Whatever it was he could not see it.
There was nothing there to the visible eye but something was blocking
his path to the entrance.
Baffled by the invisible barrier and uncertain of what to do about it,
“Sloppy” Joe turned around and took a step in the direction of his car.
He was unable to go any further, however, because he found his path
impeded yet again by the unseen wall. Turning to his left and right,
he discovered that he was boxed in on all sides.
Uttering something that need not be put down in print, “Sloppy” Joe
looked around and saw his neighbour Bob walking down the sidewalk on the
other side of the street. He called over to Bob, asking him to go for
help, but Bob just kept walking along. “Sloppy” Joe called louder, but
there was still no response. He then screamed at the top of his lungs
but Bob did not seem to hear him. Whatever was keeping him from
leaving or entering his business was apparently also trapping all sound.
Eventually Bob looked around and saw “Sloppy” Joe at which point
“Sloppy” Joe began to gesture as best he could within the confines of
his transparent cage. Bob shook his head and said “Better stick to
cooking Joe, that pantomime act is never going to sell.”
Soon thereafter one of his employees arrived for her morning shift.
She waved to “Sloppy” Joe and said hello as she moved toward the
restaurant entrance but did not seem to notice anything was amiss. When
she got as close to the door as “Sloppy” Joe was, however, a look of
surprise came over her face and then, as she turned in all directions,
one of panic. “Sloppy” Joe realized that she was trapped too. One by
one, his employees showed up, and each in turn got trapped within an
invisible box.
“What will happen when my customers start to show up?” “Sloppy” Joe asked himself.
He did not have long to wait. The first customer, one of his regulars,
showed up like clockwork at the time the restaurant normally opened its
doors to the public. He too found himself stuck between the
mysterious unseen walls. The same happened to every other customer
that arrived after him.
Before long the area around the restaurant was surrounded by people,
trapped in place by invisible boxes. There was approximately six feet
of space between each of them.
All of a sudden, a loud maniacal cackle came descending upon them from
above. Looking up, they saw a man standing on top of the restaurant,
holding a device that resembled a cross between a machine gun and a
video camera. Groaning inside, “Sloppy” Joe recognized the man as Dr.
Tofu Veggiebrain the notorious mad scientist and leader of an animal
rights/environmentalist activist group that wanted to make veganism
mandatory and which had been targeting him and his restaurant with
harassment of various sorts for years.
“How do you like my latest invention, ‘Sloppy’ Joe?” Dr. Veggiebrain
asked. “I call it the Insta-Mime. Soon you and all others who murder
and eat our animal brothers and sisters will be trapped between
invisible walls in the world’s most despised form of performance art
forever.”
It looked like he might be right. Within an hour the police, fire
department, and other emergency services had been called in and they
could find no way of releasing anyone from the invisible boxes. The
police wrote “Sloppy” Joe and each of the others a ticket for breaking
the by-law against public displays of pantomime and then took off.
Soon, however, word of the strange impromptu mime session outside of the
Celestial Carnivore got out and within a couple of days it made its way
to the Marshmallow Monks (1) in the Carpathian Mountains. They
immediately contacted “Eddy” Johnson who rushed to the scene as Reaction
Man, (2) battled Dr. Veggiebrain, and freed everyone from their
invisible prison. Since this is not an actual episode in The
Adventures of Reaction Man but merely an essay illustration in which he
makes a cameo appearance, I will not elaborate on the details, but will
instead skip ahead to the aftermath of the trial of Dr. Veggiebrain.
After Dr. Veggiebrain was convicted criminally, “Sloppy” Joe filed a
civil action against him to recover the losses his business suffered
over the period in which he, his employees, and his customers had been
mimed. It was not difficult to obtain a ruling in his favour for the
law on the matter and the principle of natural justice underlying that
law are quite clear. If you deliberately harm somebody else’s business
he is entitled to compensation.
Things became complicated, however, when Dr. Veggiebrain said that he
would not contest the ruling and would gladly pay the damages – but only
on the condition that the Celestial Carnivore sign a statement of
agreement with his vegan values and convert to serving only plant-based
food.
Whereas most judges would not agree to such a stipulation, “Sloppy” Joe
was unfortunate enough to have Justice Bob Baddecision of the Ontario
Inferior Court hear his case. Judge Baddecision, who as we know is a
close friend of Lucy himself and is prone to live up to his last name,
(3) considered Dr. Veggiebrain’s stipulation to be entirely reasonable,
and ordered that it be carried out.
You have likely already figured out the point of this story. Therefore I will make my commentary brief.
A man’s business is his livelihood. If your actions are demonstrably
responsible for harming or destroying another person’s business, by the
laws of natural justice you are required to compensate him for this
damage. You do not get to hold the compensation to which he is
entitled hostage until he meets your demands. If you attempt to do so
you are guilty of a form of blackmail or extortion.
Over the past two months many people have seen their businesses suffer
to the point of insolvency. This was not due to substandard goods,
poor service, or other faults of their own. Nor can it be attributed
solely to causes which are outside human control and for which no human
agency can be held responsible. The coronavirus did not destroy these
people’s businesses. Government ministers and their health officers
did with their mandatory social distancing regulations, shelter in place
orders, and lockdown of so-called “non-essential” businesses and
services. This is why these businesses are entitled to government
assistance at this time. Such assistance is not a “bail out” nor is it
socialism, although it will have the same long term effect as these of
saddling generations to come with an unthinkable tax and debt burden.
It is certainly not the government being compassionate, no matter how
much Captain Airhead tries to dress it up in these terms. It is the
government paying compensation for damage it has itself inflicted.
This is why the government has no right to impose a values test on the
small businesses that apply for such compensation. Since the
government put these businesses in danger of bankruptcy, justice demands
that the government pay restitution. As the party that has committed
the injury, the government does not get to hold back this restitution
until the party that has sustained the injury agrees to support abortion
and the alphabet soup agenda. Its values test is a form of extortion.
Don’t let Captain Airhead get away with it.
(1) To learn more about the Order of the Marshmallownians see “Brother Moonpie and the Devil’s Apocalypse.”
(2) “Eddy” Johnson previously appeared in The Adventures of Reaction Man: Episode One – The Origin and The Adventures of Reaction Man: Episode Two – Reaction Man Versus the Marxist Zombie Army.
(3) Justice Bob Baddecision of the Ontario Inferior Court and Lucy the gender-confused devil feature in Lucy’s Day in Court and Justice for Minnie?
Posted by
Gerry T. Neal
at
6:30 AM
Labels:
“Sloppy” Joe Baconburger,
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Dr. Tofu Veggiebrain,
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Justin Trudeau,
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values test,
vegans